On Wandering

What tears I have shed

in loss of dream upon dream

so many wandering desires have been mine

I am dizzy

in search of them

of love in every corner

of power and of sparkling things

whilst I remain a pillar

talented, brave, intelligent, sweet

always kind and wise beyond defeat

worldly in exceptional taste

while maintaining Christian simplicity,

searching for prudence

To be a Christian, it goes against every leaning

For who willingly dies?

my searching won't seem to find Christ

Every feeling revolts

No I would rather soon live my pagan dreams

than truly live as he calls

or die trying to be a "Saint"

and I wander the earth and its ideas

embracing what beauties come my way

I am so easily charmed

even when left undone

I am exhausted 

Oh Giver of life

do I dare come, eat, drink free of charge

--only this

 to die first?